(I realize that people I know face to face might read this, and people mentioned in here might read this, but that might make things a little easier, or maybe they'd realize, so I'm just going to leave this here.)
is different from my story
and anybody else's,
but it's just easier to rant,
my friend relationships
are being put on a strain.
i'm not really close with anyone
and i kind of like it.
i don't have a friend group,
or a best friend,
and it's fine with me, really.
but i just want someone,
so i like this guy, and he's fucking gorgeous.
in my eyes at least,
and he flirts with everyone except me.
or at least it feels like it.
i have guy friends i guess,
and i'm friends with some "popular" people,
but i really wouldn't consider myself "popular," in school
and i guess he is?
he got out of a big relationship in august,
and i always kinda liked him
so i just bundled up those feelings
and as soon as school started
i developed a crush.
i've definitely been crushing from afar.
or close distance,
considering his locker is two away from mine.
and he's in my homeroom,
and his lunch table is right next to mine
but the thing is,
i always "wingwoman" for my friends,
but they don't do the same for me.
i got my friend's boyfriend to ask her out (well, now he's an ex but that's not my fault).
but the girl who i'm friends with,
and i'm "married" to on facebook,
i've asked her... twice? maybe?
she doesn't do anything..
she's friends with him,
maybe she just likes that he likes her better.
she says he likes someone else,
and it's not me or her,
so then the thing that i don't get,
is why she can't try and change that?
i've known guys who
like one girl,
and then after they find out a girl likes them
after a while they see her in a different light,
and they date.
the girl he was in a relationship with,
i think they still like each other
because i always see them walking down the halls together,
and they're walking to school together,
or today they were walking home together,
and it made me sad
(even though he gave me a high five when i passed him)
it's hard to find out what's going on between them,
when i'm not really close with her anymore,
and i don't hang out with them
and i don't really live in their world,
i know people outside of school who,
i like better
then most people..
i really feel like,
i need him,
because he's so gorgeous,
and i just can see us together...
even thought it's so obvious he doesn't like me...
it's so hard.
i think about cutting myself
i know i'll find someone,
and i know that it just takes time for some people
but it feels like
things i do,
even the music,
isn't enough and i have to either make up my own world,
live in his,
doesn't seem like much of a choice.
i want a boyfriend,
but i want to choose who i want to date,
and i don't want one given to me..
and i know guys like me,
but i can't turn on the feeling for them,
it just doesn't work,
and i don't like them like that..
but i realize that this must be how he feels about me,
and this is how he feels
when i look at him that way
that horrible feeling
like you're killing somebody's dreams
or watching them die
when you could have done something
and maybe that's a little extreme,
but it's true, isn't it?
and it sucks..
i've felt lonely
for what's felt like
a really long time now,
and i just wish all those feelings would go away,
and they do go away,
when you drown it out,
but then you're left with
or feeling trashed
or a headache
and those feelings come back.
my life is fucked up,
but don't make it any fuckier.
i want him..
or someone like him
i wasn't so
and i just wish
i wasn't crushing at all.
guys are stupid
and they suck.